The Tough Things About Long Distance

So my extremely devoted boyfriend flew in to see me last night and right now all I can think about is how he is gong to leave me again the day after tomorrow. I wish it didn't have to be this way. That nagging feeling I used to get when I'd hang out with friends and wish I could be spending time with him instead has now become a permanent fixture in my life and it's hard for me to feel fully present in my new life in Missouri (it's been a year now and I still feel as if I'm living in a dream world... perhaps that is a good thing given the climate. Yes, Missouri is really miserable and I'm sure I will hit that in a later post). List of things that suck about long distance:

1. You feel tethered to video chat and phone chat. So frustrating when you can't give your significant other a hug. I am so tired of this.

2. You feel tired all the time.

3. You hate this about yourself, but you start being anti-social because you feel guilty about making new friends and starting a new life. You just want to go back to the safety of your room and chat.

4. Concern about boyfriend's travel and well-being during travel to get to you in the middle of nowhere is also worrisome.

5. Things get miscommunicated over chat and you waste lots of time trying to clarify if tone of voice or phrases used are upsetting.

6. It takes time to get used to the person again when present. In fact, I have become so used to talking to Charlie on the phone that even when he's here I have to restrain my impulse to go back to my room and be alone so that I can make a phone call (hello, he is in the kitchen). The voice coming out of the gchat is so comforting that you become used to its counsel and have to get used to interacting with the person in person normally.

These are things that royally suck about long distance. Thank God my master's program will be over in half a year and I will get to be with my boyfriend over the summer. I hate this.

Being Jaded

I don't know why our society likes to emphasize how vital enthusiasm, passion, hope, optimism, 110% effort and commitment are the keys to success, happiness, and well-being. I find that more often than not, those are things that often drive you absolutely crazy. The thinking positively mantra drives me crazy as well because more often than not it s also a recipe for self-denial and entraps you into a vicious cycle whereby you think you must suck if you are not thinking positively (when yes, your life actually does suck... start picking up the pieces, its okay).

I am a firm believer in the power of jadedness.

I don't know why that state of mind is viewed so scornfully since it is usually the true vehicle of honest effort and productivity. Being passionate is completely overrated in this society for the following reasons:

1. While being passionate is good for jump-starting projects, it s not good for when things actually start sucking. Your passion gives you a fairly good beating in the midst of paralysis and I find that it is when I'm jaded and stop caring altogether that I finally sit down to do some real work. Don't care. It helps.

2. It makes you easily taken advantage of by others. The blinding feelings of positivity and hope you feel will often lead you to hope for the best in others. This is the worst lie I've been fed my whole life... the mantra that if you hope for the best you will bring out the best. Nothing could be further from the truth. What is the truth however is that human behavior is generally governed by certain rules-- e.g. desire for social acceptance, social benefit and connectedness, sex, material comfort, sense of purpose, accomplishment, and ego-massage etc. If you tap into those laws (and examine how these play out in yourself) you will find that life will go a lot smoother.

3. Better to not have your heart twisted in a knot every time something doesn't work out. Flaming out happens because the powerful emotions attached to investment in a project's success (the spark of inspiration, divine purpose. etc.) become overbearing-- if you allow yourself to fully experience the roller coaster of emotions (excitement-->disappointment-->excitement-->disappointment) as a result of your divine inspiration tanking every so often, YOU WILL FLAME OUT. The majority of honest productivity and success comes from something not all that glamorous-- consistently applied effort. Honestly, consistently applied effort will suck. Better to erect the wall of jadedness now to protect yourself... it is your body's mechanism for dealing with consistently applied effort.

4. 110% in everything you do is also one of the worst pieces of advice I've ever received. It is just not possible and anyone who attempts this will fail. Success is more like 110% consistently applied effort to a project of choice for a 1/3 of your life tops or once every three weeks for the rest of your life.

5. Commitment to everything you do is also overrated. Toss out the things that suck. NOW. Change a situation that sucks. Sometimes things aren't working out.

Jaded plugger> inspirational flame-out.

People who are mean to you but nice to you when you are mean

This is one of the things that bother me the most about human nature-- the desire for what we can't have and the tendency to treat the things we do have like shit.

Have you ever noticed how the nicer you are to some people, the meaner they are to you? Then when you get fed up and start being mean, they try to be nice...

It bothers me so much because then you feel guilty for them being nice and try to be nice yourself then they become mean to you again.

Bay Area friendships

I never thought that being in the socially isolated landscape of Columbia, Missouri would make me realize how limited Bay Area friendships are, but here I am. Where to start?

1. People are obsessed with resume oriented conversation. If you don't provide a answer that satisfies one of five categories in terms of what you do: law school, med school, consulting/i-banking/b-school, engineering, or the occasional wild-card category of enterprising travel blogger/start-up founder, you are shit out of luck. The stream of conversation following that will usually end in smug questions about what you really do and interrogation about your life plan in the event that your career choice doesn't work out. This does not make for satisfying social interaction.

2. Pursuing hobbies is considered a waste of time. Seriously. Anything I enjoy needs to be parlayed into a resume building exercise... running marathons? Great to demonstrate stamina and motivation. Travel? Proves you are an interesting person. I once finished a memoir that I self-published and had someone ask me what was the purpose unless I would actually publish it or use it towards building my future. Forget that I loved writing it. And I'm sure if I told people that I have recently resumed hobbies (since there is nothing else to do in Missouri) such as singing female barbershop with the Sweet Adelines chorus or making scrapbooks they would ask me why i was wasting so much time. I also think there are four acceptable categories of hobbies in the Bay area: 1) Triathlon 2)Rock-climbing 3)Cycling 4)Playing video games. Oh yea, and visiting places like Las Vegas, San Francisco, or Los Angeles to prove you are an interesting, active person with lots of interesting, active friends.

3. Establishing relationships is also considered a waste of time. I actually think Midwesterners have it right in this regard-- their love and priority for family has a noticeably stabilizing presence in their lives, one that I have come to cherish and respect. If you prioritize a loving, doting boyfriend in the Bay Area it is considered a sign of weakness. And if you prioritize your friends... you are labeled self-indulgent.

I have vowed never to raise a family in the Bay Area-- the futility and emptiness of the culture is something I will never subject my children to. I don't think I've even met people over the age of 50 in the Bay Area... how can you possibly age gracefully by continuing to adhere to this mentality.

4. Presenting a surface level happiness is equated with success. If you display any sign of frustration, anger, sadness, guilt, anxiety, etc. etc. you put yourself at risk of losing social capital. This inevitably has a neutering effect on your personality. Since life is naturally filled with frustration and pain (and if its not, you are probably stagnating normal development... another point I will hit soon) it would make sense to feel some of these emotions. The pressure to maintain a placid appearance inevitably forces you to reduce Bay Area friends to activity partners-- people who you pass the time with but not really people you can trust will maintain respect for you if you are entirely honest. It is refreshing to be able to discuss normal emotions with people in Missouri (especially since it is fairly difficult to maintain an artificial appearance of happiness in the face of snowstorms, tornado warnings, humidity, etc.).

5. People act like they are 15. Do people actually develop in the Bay Area?

In sum, a place that encourages you to denigrate family, hobbies, emotions, and interests outside of aforesaid areas is a place that has a stagnating effect on personality and efforts to attain true joy or happiness. What is the point of life then if the very things that make us human and make life worth living for are denigrated? If you are a dorky engineer/programmer who is content with reaching middle management and doggedly pursuing rock-star status as the next Google co-founder this is the place for you (even though achieving the status is probably harder than getting into the NFL). Good luck to you.